My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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