At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
