I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
