wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
