My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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