i just wanna soil my oats bro
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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