I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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