My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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