Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
