new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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