After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
