I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
