it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
