C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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