Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
