Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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