He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
