so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
