im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
