My room smells like vodka and shame
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
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Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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