a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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