What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
