I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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