I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
