I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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