I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
