y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
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The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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