You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
