dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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