I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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