My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
