He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize