Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
