Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
