I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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