highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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