I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
