Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
