Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
