I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
