I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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