thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
