im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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