Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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