Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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