I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
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This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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