A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
