dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.