I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
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he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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