I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
