My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He's on the porch naked. Help.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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