he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize