my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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