Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
