Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
